it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
