He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
