No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Randomize
