then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
