I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
