What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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