Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
