I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
