So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
