btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
