My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
