i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
