Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
