apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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