i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How naked do you want me to be?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize