how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
