Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
