Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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