I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
someone owes me an orgasm
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
