he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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