:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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