I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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