i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
