Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
