Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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