also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
