the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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