im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
