Tell her she can't have a vagina
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
