Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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