Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Never underestimate the power of titties
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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