Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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