I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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