So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
