Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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