so that wasnt chicken after all
even my farts smell like vagina
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
