Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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