I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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