I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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