In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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