Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how do flat chested girls get laid?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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