dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
