where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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