My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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