Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize