508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
