I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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