Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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