seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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