So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
