in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I love you. Go after that dick
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
