I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He? As in you personified your dick?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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