Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
