I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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