youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
