This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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