Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
